A rotating cast of Pacific writers offer their perspectives on your questions.

Have a question? Send it to thepacific@creators.com  to be featured in the next “groupchat”

(18 M) My 18th birthday was yesterday. I am now officially an adult. 

I do not feel anywhere near prepared to enter the real world but I want to get started. What advice would you give an 18-year-old to prepare for adulthood? 

JN: Vote, buy cigarettes and then join the military, but don’t drink alcohol for another three years.

Kidding aside, in the words of the immortal Aaliyah, “age ain't nothing but a number,” and what you’re really looking for is how life changes when you become an adult. 

This transition is a balance between agency and responsibility. The more responsibility you take on, the more agency you have over your life. For example, if you live with your parents, you likely aren’t responsible for the mortgage but also don’t have control over what material the kitchen countertops are. Conversely, if you have your own apartment and pay rent, you can paint an accent wall whatever color you want and eat ice cream for dinner like a normal person. 

At a more micro view, here are a few tips; please take them with a pound of salt.

The best way to find out what kind of work you like is to start working.

College will likely help you have more options.

The best way to find a new job is to already have a job. 

Don’t worry about getting married or having kids for a decade. 

Read books (or listen to audiobooks). 

Listen to people who are where you want to be and don’t listen to anyone else (except yourself). 

Finally, 18 is young, bruh. Too young to be an adult. You’re still a teenager. Have fun, man. Try things. Make a mess. Get your heart broken. Break someone’s heart. Travel. Eat junk food. Spend money you shouldn’t. Make all your mistakes now and have a blast.      

AN: Being 18 only makes you an adult on paper. You still have SO much to learn about life. You can’t even legally drink yet! But if you really want to step into the real world, here’s your first step: Get out of your parents’ house. Live in a city or on a college campus around people you would’ve never met in your hometown. Go to parties and make yourself uncomfortable as you try to make friends. Be prepared to have lots of moments where you find yourself alone and unsure of who you are. Imposter syndrome will hit heavy as you gain experience in life, so you have to remember that literally nobody has everything figured out. We’re all just surviving in the best way we know how.

Ultimately, JN is right that you’re still a teenager. Run out the rest of your teen years making mistakes and learning from them. It will help you mature even faster because you’ll already have learned all the stupid shit you probably shouldn’t do as you get older.

SP: Eighteen can be a difficult age because, as AN noted, you’re an adult on paper, but in many ways you’re still a teenager with so much to learn about yourself and the world around you. Your brain will continue to change and develop well into your 20s, so be mindful of impulsive choices and their effects on you (without self-blame or shame, as we all go through this developmental process). I agree with AN that a college campus and/or a new city can offer fresh and different perspectives and opportunities to learn. This doesn’t affect everyone, but I want to just throw out a new twist on a typical warning. I’m in recovery from addictions that started in my teen years, and would just encourage you to be careful with substances, as they don’t offer much in the way of benefit and could harm your aforementioned brain development process. That’s just one of a constellation of things you can do to protect and foster your mental health, which will be the bedrock of everything you do and experience in life. Loving yourself and putting yourself first are the opposite of selfish; they enable you to actually engage with the world in a positive way and help others around you, which can be rewarding in many ways.

KE: I completely agree with AN and JN. You’re in the most beautiful position of starting to branch out and having the freedom of an adult but without all of the responsibility that accompanies it quite yet. My biggest piece of advice would be to savor it. There will come a point one, three, five, 10 years from now where you’ll wish things were simpler. Don’t rush the rest of adulthood, either. It doesn’t matter if all your friends are getting married, having babies or buying houses. What’s meant for you will come at exactly the right time. For now, just enjoy the ride. 

AC: Keep a journal. Or, if you’re not the journaling type, keep a Google Doc. Or use the Notes app on your phone. My point is, jot down the things that matter to you, the experiences that impact you and the lessons you learn – even if it’s just in bullet points.

You don’t have to draw any life-altering conclusions. But you’ll be surprised how much clarity it can bring you to put the stuff you’re dealing with into words. Plus, it will help you always remember who you were as an 18-year-old. 

TW: Agree with AC about keeping a journal. Also, on the macro level, here’s a series of questions I heard when I was 17 that I come back to every so often: 

1) What are your top three values?

2) Could a friend or someone close to you name them? 

3) If an alien were to observe your life, could they name them? 

Questions 2 and 3 help you reflect on how well you’re living out your values. 

(29 M) I try not to comment on anyone’s body - good or bad. Everyone has their own view of themselves and these days I find it better to avoid sensitive topics like body image. 

But, one of my friends used to be overweight. We had some deeper conversations and she told me she felt terrible about how she looked. She never had any partners and felt completely unattractive because of her weight. 

Fast forward a few months, I had to travel for work, and when I got back, I was shocked. She had lost a ton of weight. When I saw her, I froze and didn’t say anything about her weight loss. It felt painfully awkward not to bring it up but I did not want to get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. If I tell her, “you look great,” she might think I am into her; if she gains the weight back, she will know that I thought she looked better before. 

How should we handle body transformations these days? I want to compliment her but also want to be respectful of her struggles with her weight.   

JN: Your question makes me think of a bald dude getting hair plugs. Like, the dude is bald for years and you know the dude. Then one day he shows up with a full head of hair like nothing has changed. I am sure every fiber of your body wants to be like, “Jeff, what the fuck?!”

But yeah, I guess that’s not cool these days. IDK, man. I feel like you can do it in a supportive way. 

It’s like meeting a celebrity. You can play dumb like you don’t know who they are but they know that you know that she is Anne Hathaway, so what are we doing here?

I would be compassionate and honest. “You look great. You look amazing.” If I said those things to my friend, they would usually be cool with it. If their weight fluctuates, just be there when they need you.   

AC: You never know how someone is going to take a comment about their weight, and for this reason I never do it. Someone might “look great” due to an eating disorder or poor health or depression. Someone might take it to mean they didn’t look great before. 

Getting healthy is a reward in and of itself – in other words, your friend doesn’t need your validation to reap the full benefits of her new lifestyle. If she puts it on the table for conversation, then you don’t need to pretend you don’t notice. But unsolicited body commentary is rarely helpful.

TW: You said you’ve had some deeper conversations with her in the past about how she feels about her appearance and her weight. To me, that means you’re in a halfway decent position to have another deeper conversation with her if you feel concerned that she’s not doing well now (e.g., that she lost the weight in an unhealthy way and had or has an eating disorder).

I wouldn’t say anything just yet, though. Idk how often you hang out with her or what you guys do together, or how much you talk about the routines of your daily lives, but I think you should stick with observing for now. If it seems to you like she’s excited about some lifestyle changes/new routines (e.g., eating differently or having a fun and challenging exercise routine), then you could just talk about those. Maybe her perseverance or dedication to her goals is impressive; maybe it’s taken a lot of courage for her to try new things. Those are both fine things to compliment someone on. I agree with AC that this is probably best done only if she brings it up. 

On the other hand, if you become concerned that she’s developed/developing an eating disorder, then you might want to gently bring up your concern for her even if she doesn’t mention it. Key word: GENTLY. But that’s really hard, and if you feel the need to do that, it might not be a bad idea to get some professional help thinking through what you might say and how to do it in the best way possible. Also, it could help you be prepared for the possibility of the conversation not going well — like if she were to get offended and defensive because something IS wrong but she’s not prepared to face it, and then it negatively affects your friendship. Therapy for the win.

AN: AC is absolutely right. I don’t think there’s any good way to compliment someone on weight loss or even any physical changes. I also agree with TW that therapy may help you deal with any concerns that you feel about your friend. That may seem kind of excessive, but an unbiased third party could really help you work through some complex feelings without getting emotions involved. 

It’s really sweet that you have paused to think about how you could make your friend feel by saying anything about her body. Like AC said, if she ever brings it up, then you can talk about it. Otherwise, just continue to focus on being there for your friend.

SP: Hard agree with everyone who advises you to let her bring this up first! Props to you for inquiring about how to handle this sensitively and for acknowledging that it’s not really your place to initiate/lead convos about your friend’s body. I would just focus on your friendship, which seems to not be based on her looks, and continue to hold space without putting her on the spot.

(21 F) I’ve sent a handful of nude pics over Snapchat to boyfriends I dated about a year ago, but I recently found out they are being passed around to random guys! 

I am furious, embarrassed and mortified. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my life is over. What in the actual fuck is wrong with people?!?! 

I was over 18 when I sent these and yes, I sent them, but still. I sent them over Snapchat to one person I was dating and now they are out there. I hope my ex has daughters so he can feel some empathy for me. I also hope his brakes give out while driving over a bridge.

Part of me wants to contact these guys but to be honest, I sent a few to a few guys and I am not sure who shared them. The last thing I would want to do is accuse someone of sharing pics of me and not totally knowing if he was the one who did so. Ugh! 

I feel like I am being slut-shamed even though it was just something playful. Any advice for the eternally fucked?   

SP: I’m so sorry this has happened to you! “Revenge porn” is sadly a thing, but it isn’t your shame to carry, as hard as that can be to internalize after a betrayal that feels so punishing. At this point, I’d accept this with your head held high; even Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence has unfortunately (and publicly) gone through this type of violation. I know this doesn’t help with this particular situation, but if you do choose to send nudes in the future (which is perfectly acceptable!), I’d just leave out your face and/or identifying marks, like tattoos. Regardless, the dudes who broke your trust are losers and don’t deserve to take up another moment of your mental energy. Your life is NOT over, and these photos won’t derail your life in the ways you might fear. Besides JLaw, many people have suffered from the release of revenge porn but have gone on to live their dreams in terms of careers, relationships and more.

AN: That sucks so bad. I’m sorry that your trust was broken and your pictures that you shared in private were spread around. But I don’t think there’s anything you can do here other than let this pass. It’s hard to know who could have done this. Your photos could have even been leaked by some random hacker, although it seems most likely that some asshole shared them without your permission. You ultimately did nothing wrong, so don’t feel that it’s your fault in any capacity. People can only make you feel as bad as you let them. You are right to feel angry and embarrassed, but your life is absolutely not over!

SP is spot on in saying that you should send photos in the future that don’t include your face or anything that could indicate who you are. It sucks to even have to think that your photos might get into the wrong hands, but it’s smart to look out for yourself.

KE: Ugh, fuck those guys. I know a lot of people who’d harp on the fact that the risk of this happening comes with the territory of sending nudes in the first place, which is true, but I’d rather emphasize how shitty it is to have your trust broken by someone you were so intimate and vulnerable with at one point. I think this speaks more of the guy/guys who potentially leaked it than it does of you (also, sending nudes is pretty common these days, so don’t demonize yourself for doing it).

If these were just sent in some disgusting male group chat, you probably have to let it go (and maybe go do some shit-talking of your own to the girls in your corner because this just screams SDE). If these went out over some other kind of platform, though, there may be a way you can report it. 

JN: This is such a new problem. The most important thing is to forgive yourself. It is not your fault. It’s just not. 

(41 F) My 19-year-old stepson is living with me and my husband in California while he attends university. He smokes weed constantly, and no matter how many times we talk to him about it, he won’t stop. 

I am not against smoking weed, and it’s totally legal here, but I honestly don’t know how he isn’t failing all of his classes with the amount that he smokes. My husband and I also have a 5-year-old daughter, and I don’t want her inhaling any of those fumes. It makes our house reek of weed 24/7, which gives me a headache and is embarrassing when guests come over. 

Otherwise, my stepson is a great kid. He’s helpful around the house and babysits for his little sister all the time. Miraculously, he is doing great in school too. 

We’ve talked about possible solutions multiple times – only smoking outside, taking edibles, etc. – and he always agrees to it, follows it for a week or two, and then goes back to his old ways. Recently, my husband and I agreed to give him one last chance before he had to move out. 

Lo and behold, he broke the agreement, and I immediately kicked him out and changed the locks. His mother lives in town, and he has tons of friends in the area, so it’s not like he’s out on the street. But my husband thinks I’m overreacting and my stepson is begging to move back in. Not sure what to do. 

JN: Imma be a bit old school on this one - he shouldn't be living with you at all.

He’s 19. He knows enough to get his own place to live but isn’t developed enough to make good decisions. Now is the time that he should be smoking weed all the time (if he wants). He should just be doing it in his dorm or the shitty apartment he rents with two other idiots.

At some point, he might realize that it negatively impacts his motivation, coherence and ability to regulate his consumption of Flaming Hot Cheetos, but maybe not. And it’s not your problem anymore.

AC: Your roof, your rules. It might sound heartless but I doubt this would fly in university housing either. I agree with JN – your stepson is an adult and it's time for him to make his own mistakes and then learn from them.

TW: Tbh, my biggest concern here is for your 5-year-old. You’re right that she shouldn’t be inhaling any of those fumes. Be 100% firm with the rule of not smoking indoors (or maybe even on your property), for your daughter if for no other reason. There’s not as much research on the effects of secondhand cannabis smoke as there is on the effects of secondhand tobacco smoke. However, there’s enough evidence that it could be harmful that your daughter should get to make the decision of whether she should smoke for herself many years down the line, rather than be exposed when she’s too young to do anything about it.

SP: I agree with the other commenters, especially TW’s emphasis on his young stepsister. Removing any question of the appropriateness of his smoking from the equation, it’s simply a “house rules” issue that you don’t have to justify (though the 5-year-old’s presence is justification enough). I can imagine the smell permeating the house makes you more reluctant to have guests over, on top of your headaches. I can glean from your question that, as a stepparent, it’s easy for you to be triangulated by your husband and stepson (as they seem to be on the same side of this issue). To protect yourself and your daughter from possible negative health effects, you made the right move in kicking him out, especially given the fact that he has other support and isn’t on the street.

As for the merits of smoking, the character Randy Marsh on South Park said it best: “Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but… well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored. And it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or being creative.” 

Going on a bit of a tangent, from my own experiences and observations as a young adult, excessive alcohol consumption can have much more destructive effects than cannabis consumption, but cannabis products (especially those with high levels of THC) should nevertheless be approached with respect and moderation in order to avoid “chronic” side effects.

(42 F) I’m not against weed. However – my 16-year-old daughter owns a pair of pants that have marijuana leaves all over them. I’ve told her I don’t approve and that I don’t like her going out in public while she’s wearing them. But I’m not home all the time and sometimes she’ll wear them when she goes out with her friends and I don’t notice until she gets home. Like I said, I’m not anti-weed, but I just think it’s inappropriate given her age. We’ve gotten into multiple fights over this already, and I’m not sure it’s the hill I want to die on. 

JN: Y’all having kids young. Anyway…

If the parents say “don’t do that,” the kid is going to want to do exactly that. So maybe tell her you love her weed pants. Maybe you even buy an identical pair and wear them around the house to show her how cool they are. Once she sees you wearing them, she will never wear them again.  

AC: JN is right – fighting her on this will only make her want to wear them more. She’s 16. It’s a phase. She’ll get over it. As long as she’s not wearing them to job interviews, I’d let this one go.

KE: Completely agreed with JN and AC. I can see these pants clear as day, right next to jelly “sex” bracelets and Stewie-emblazoned Family Guy Hot Topic T-shirts circa the early aughts. Are they great? No. Were they all the rage? Totally. This seems like more of an innocent act of your daughter repping something she thinks is cool right now, which I’m sure will change in a matter of time. Could be worse. At least she’s not doing bong rips under your roof. 

TW: I once saw a performance of Peter Pan where Peter’s pants looked remarkably like weed leggings. (I think they actually were.) But did the audience question it? Well, actually, some of them, yeah. Some teenagers definitely did. But the adults didn’t and the children definitely didn’t, so I’d bet many people won’t even notice that she’s wearing weed pants.  

SP: I have to agree that hounding your daughter about the pants will not produce the desired effect. KE is spot on with the references, and I’ll throw in Spencer’s as another mall store where teens titter at and occasionally purchase “naughty” shirts, keychains and other products. Tacky and cringey though they may be, it’s best to let your daughter organically grow out of this pot pants phase on her own (perhaps not before she branches out to Rasta-colored accessories!). I agree with JN that pulling a Baddiewinkle and going all-out with weed leaf sunglasses, clothing, etc. could be a good reverse psychology move.

My (20M) long-distance girlfriend (20F) smokes weed every now and then – maybe every few months. I don’t judge her for it, but I have a lot of trauma related to marijuana. I’ve witnessed friends and family members get violent while suffering withdrawal symptoms. I get severely uncomfortable around people who are high. 

My girlfriend is aware and respectful of how I feel. I worry, though, about her potentially wanting to smoke around me when we decide to live together in the future. I want to ask her to not smoke around me or in our future home. Is that reasonable? I know it’s not up to me to control what she does while we’re not together, but I think it’s reasonable for me to set a boundary like this. How do I handle this without coming across as controlling? 

AN: I would take this all one step at a time. I understand this is an important topic for you to address with someone you see a future with, but you have no plans yet to move in together. Your feelings about marijuana are understandable given your trauma. Though I don’t know your girlfriend, I would guess that she’s open to doing whatever she can to make sure you’re comfortable. Keep in mind, though, she will also want to feel comfortable in her own future home, so you have to be open to compromises when it comes to living together. You’re right, it’s not your place to tell your girlfriend what to do while you’re apart, nor when you’re together. But if she only smokes every few months, weed probably isn’t so important to her that she would choose it over someone she loves. When the time comes that you actually decide to move in together, have this discussion. Now isn’t the time.

AC: Figure out what your boundary is first. Is it okay with you if she smokes with her friends when you’re not around? Is it okay with you if she smokes outside while you’re inside? Once you know exactly what you’re comfortable with, communicate it to her (assuming you have already communicated why you feel the way you do about marijuana). 

Living with someone else always requires some negotiation, and any reasonable person would be prepared for that. 

It’s always smart to plan for the future, but I agree with AN that you’re sort of putting the cart before the horse. If it really is only the living situation you’re worried about, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

(16 F) A few weeks ago I got pretty drunk with my friends and tried weed for the first time. My heart was pounding super fast and it was hard to breathe and I was sweating a ton. It honestly felt like I was gonna die. That only lasted a few minutes and then it stopped, but I thought it was weird because no one else had that reaction. Is it possible that I have an intolerance? I kind of want to try it again but I’m scared to now.

AN: Sounds like you’ve experienced a crossfade, my friend. Combining weed and alcohol can have some super intoxicating effects, like dizziness, nausea and even a pounding heartbeat. One time, I drank a Four Loko and smoked a blunt and thought I was going to die, too. Try smoking again if you want to, but this time without having drank any alcohol. Weed could still possibly make you anxious, but I think there’s much less of a chance without any crossfade. If you feel anxious again, just drink some water, eat a snack and lie in bed. You’ll live.

JN: Not sure where the weed came from but it could have been laced with something else. Although, the fact that it came and went so quickly makes me think it was more of a panic-attack/anxiety-related. 

I’m not a doctor and I am sure you already Googled “weed intolerance” but anyone can have an intolerance to anything (except sunflower butter for some reason). But again, it came and went. Sounds like you freaked out more than anything.   

KE: I completely agree with AN. It’s absurd the number of times I’ve thought smoking was a good idea when I was already hammered. If you’re considering trying it again, though, do it without booze and see what just high feels like. I’ve also learned not to compare your experiences to anyone else’s. I’m guessing from what you said about your friends that they’ve been around the block before. It might not be that you have some long-lasting intolerance but that they’ve built up a tolerance to where the (likely) small amount you smoked doesn’t hold a candle to what they can handle. 

SP: First off, I’d gently suggest postponing drug and alcohol use for a few years at least; your brain at 16 is still growing and developing, and research suggests cannabis use can be more harmful for you now than later in life. 

Moving on, everyone’s body chemistry is so different that a lot of drug experimentation looks very trial-and-error. The first time I smoked, I had an existential crisis and curled into a ball for three hours obsessing about death and begging for reassurance from my baffled friends. One would think that first time would have been my last time, and it certainly was for a while, until further experimentation revealed that developing a tolerance was my best bet if I wanted to avoid a guaranteed awful experience. 

Ultimately I decided the tradeoffs (fatigue, depressive symptoms, etc.) of daily use weren’t worth it for me (and I was getting sober from alcohol at the same time). I have also tried CBD products, which in my experience aren’t anywhere near as intoxicating/anxiety- and paranoia-producing/potentially addictive as THC. Certain strains with very low levels of THC are available; their popularity greatly increased in 2018 when then-President Donald Trump signed a new Farm Bill into effect that basically made them legal. For me, these products are quite take-it-or-leave-it and lend themselves to very occasional use if one wants the experience of smoking without the high. Insert obligatory (and true) “smoking anything is bad for you” warning here! 

A rotating cast of Pacific writers offer their perspectives on issues from pet peeves to existential crises, and everything in between.

(15F) I don’t want to to sound like a dramatic teenager complaining about her privileged life, but I have been contemplating suicide recently and I don’t know why. I have objectively a pretty good life, and I’m not sure why I feel sad when other people have it so much worse. It doesn’t feel fair but I can’t help it. I live in a nice suburb and go to a good school. But I just feel like it’s all wasted on me, and I wish I could give it to someone who could make the most of it. I do have a couple of good friends, and I know I can go to them for help with my problems, but honestly I feel bad burdening them with all of these thoughts. They give me good, loving advice, but then the suicidal feelings come right back. I don’t know if I should just suck it up and stop complaining or if this is actually a real issue. I mean, I feel like everybody has suicidal thoughts every once in a while and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I haven’t actually attempted anything, so I don’t think I need to waste anyone’s time by going to a therapist. I’m not sure what to do though.  

AC: I feel you. Depression is a monster of a disease. But our emotions are not always directly linked to our circumstances. In other words, it’s nice you have a safe suburban life, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be happy, and you don’t need to feel guilty about the times when you’re not. You are still allowed to experience the full range of human feelings. 

That said, it’s not true that everybody has suicidal thoughts, and you shouldn’t have to deal with those alone. I’m sure a lot of the advice you’ve heard sounds laughably futile to you right now – spending time outside, exercising, getting really into a hobby, having a good conversation with a friend – but these things really can help if you give it some time. First things first, though, I would start therapy. There is nothing to lose, and I think you’d be surprised by how much it could help. 

JN: Suicide is serious. Suicidal thoughts are slightly less serious. They come when we want to stop the pain we are feeling – by any means necessary. 

It is OK to want that pain to stop. You are hurting and want to feel better. The healthiest way to do this is to follow AC’s advice about therapy, exercise and getting outside.

Yes, you should suck it up (eventually), but first, you need to address what is causing the pain and guilt (you even feel guilty about having these feelings).

You have friends who care about you. You are worthy of the life you have – no matter what. 

SP: I understand wanting to keep things in perspective, but comparison is not your friend here. By comparing your situation to that of individuals who are worse off, you minimize and invalidate your feelings. I agree with AC on all points, but especially regarding the fact that emotions are not always dictated by our circumstances. If that were true, no wealthy/high-profile people would take their own lives or suffer from depression or addiction; sadly, we can find many examples of this occurring. Our teenage years can be a mental health minefield, even without depression induced by a chemical imbalance and/or trauma. I can feel your pain and resignation so viscerally in your letter, especially when you lament that the good things in your life are “wasted on (you).” My No. 1 bit of advice here is to tell your parents what’s going on (if you feel they are a safe resource); communicating how you’re feeling and getting a team together of people in your corner is a great first step. And therapy is NOT just for after self-harm or an attempt; it is preventive care, like you get at doctor checkups. Therapy can help you gather coping skills and tools to survive this crisis and thrive on the other side of it.

(29F) My husband (30M) and I recently moved into a new home in a new neighborhood. Overall, it’s great — the house is beautiful, we are close to downtown, and there’s even a yard for our 4-year-old daughter and our puppy to play in. Plus, we don’t have neighbors close by, which is nice because we value our privacy. 

On one side of the house, though, there is an empty parking lot, and there’s a homeless man who seems to have camped out there. I’m sensitive to issues of the homeless, and my husband even works in housing, but it is unnerving sometimes. He is within earshot of our yard, so I’m sure that he can hear all of our conversations, including plans regarding when we will and will not be home. 

Recently, I was with my husband and daughter in the backyard discussing upcoming travel plans where we will be away from home for two weeks. I got nervous that he may have overheard the conversation and now will try to break in, steal something, etc. My husband thinks I’m just paranoid, but would I be an asshole for calling the city on this homeless guy?

TW: Uh, yes, you would be an asshole.

This gentleman has enough to deal with without you calling the city and then the city sending someone to harass him. It would be one thing if the city sent a social worker (or other mental health + housing professional) who: 

• has a manageable caseload and therefore enough time to attend to each person’s needs, and

• is trauma-informed

And your city had plenty of transitional housing that: 

• is immediately available/available soon, and

• is safe and sanitary, and 

• is respectful of people’s dignity, and 

• provides material resources such as food, and

• provides nonmaterial resources such as therapy, job training, addiction counseling, etc., as necessary.

Sadly, that is often not the case. You didn’t say where you live, but in many places, social workers are overworked and undertrained, and the transitional housing stock is limited. It’s not always safe, sanitary, respectful of dignity, and equipped with necessary resources. (I know of people who were placed in motel rooms that had no towels or bedding. The rooms were also infested with roaches. How in the actual fuck is that supposed to help people?!) 

That’s not even getting into the fact that sometimes, it’s the cops who respond to these calls. They don’t like it and they’re not good at it. That’s because it’s not what they signed up for, and they’re not trained nor do they have the resources to deal with it in a helpful way. As a result, they can end up terrifying and further traumatizing homeless people by treating them like criminals.

So, if your spouse “works in housing,” then he probably knows all of this, and that might be why he doesn’t want to call the city. Have you asked him?  

Now, you haven’t said anything about why you feel suspicious of the homeless person or why you think he might break into your house. When we don’t know much about someone, it can be easy for biases to sneak in (in this case, you’re assuming that because he’s homeless, he’s likely to break into your house, based on, as far as I can tell, your exactly ZERO interactions with him, which … what???). Here’s my suggestion: Get a neighbor to come collect your mail/water your plants/take care of your pets so you know someone will be there every day. But more importantly, get to know your unhoused neighbor. Knowing his name and face and voice and story might help you view him as a person fallen on hard times rather than as a threat. 

Your language is pretty telling here: “Calling the city on” someone has the implication of getting them in trouble. For example, you call the cops “on” someone when you think they’re doing something wrong. So don’t do that. Instead, try seeing if there’s a way you can help him. By all means, talk to him and feel free to ask if he needs help with anything or offer him/connect him with resources that you find, but don’t call the city on him. Don’t get him in trouble just for existing.

JN: I am going to respectfully disagree with TW. 

You want to protect your daughter at all costs. I get it. Nothing wrong with that. It’s ingrained in all parents at a core level. 

Something about the guy next door makes your spidey sense go off. Maybe you’re being paranoid, but maybe not – and what if you’re not? Your gut says don’t take a chance. Trust your gut, momma bear. 

(22M) I met a girl on Hinge and we agreed to go out on a date: dinner and a movie. She seemed pretty friendly and laid-back – until she asked what the dress code for the date should be. I suggested that we dress casual, since this was only a movie date. Who dresses up to go to the movies? 

Anyway, she said that was “trashy” and then canceled the date and won’t respond to my messages. I asked my brother what he thought, and he told me I was a moron to dress casually on a first date. It’s not like I was gonna wear gym shorts, but I thought jeans were perfectly normal for the movies. Am I crazy??

AC: It might sound old-fashioned, but some girls want a fairy tale. They want to dress up. They want to feel special. She is one of those girls. 

Now, did she overreact? For sure. But just keep in mind, little effort goes a long way.  

KE: Casual for the movies, OK, but you said you were going to dinner, too. Maybe “casual” to her reads cargo shorts, which is fashion assault in the first degree, and a tattered T-shirt better suited as a cleaning rag. Seems silly, but you’d be surprised what men think is passable these days. That said, nice jeans and a button-down slightly unbuttoned generally strikes the right balance for me of being put together but not trying too hard. 

If she’s so concerned about your wardrobe choices that she can’t even give you a chance to meet in person, I’d say you’re better off. Let her go smother someone else in her ballgown.  

TW: Lol, “smother someone else in her ballgown” is right. It seems like you’ve escaped someone who was going to be obnoxious anyway. She asked what the dress code should be and clearly expected you to read her mind. If it was that big a deal to her, she shouldn’t have asked; she should’ve suggested the dress code herself. 

It also depends where you’re going to dinner, though. When I think dinner-and-a-movie date, my first thought is that the dinner will be somewhere fairly casual. I mean, not like Taco Bell or something, but not somewhere they’re gonna kick you out if you’re not wearing a coat, either. But if you were gonna go somewhere kinda fancy for dinner, then yeah, you should’ve been ready to dress up a little.

SP: You’re not crazy, but I doubt you’ll find acceptable closure from her or any other external source. It sounds to me like she was not fully interested in/committed to the date in the first place. I’d be interested to know who first proposed the date and its specifics. Regardless, this seems like not a great match (obviously, given her ghosting). These early dating situations where no one is clearly in the wrong but it still fizzles out can be puzzling or, worse, a blow to one’s self-esteem. In my experience, if the early-days chatting is compelling, dress-code nitpicking is the last thing on my mind. Her unironic use of “trashy” gives me bad vibes anyway, and it sounds like you dodged a high-maintenance bullet. You both have a right to your preferences, and in this case it seems they just didn’t align. 

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groupchat is a rotating cast of Pacific writers offering their perspectives on issues—from pet peeves to existential crises, and everything in between.

(19M) My therapist told me that I’m a sociopath. Does this mean I can never be in a relationship? There’s a girl I really like, and I want to be with her. But I do feel empty a lot of the time. I have been hiding my diagnosis from her this whole time (about a month) and I don’t think I can hide it forever. Kinda feels like a ticking time bomb?

SP: Your awareness and humble approach to your diagnosis bode well for your social outcomes. People who have antisocial and/or narcissistic personality disorder(s) and even psychopathy can inflict immense cruelty on those around them, but those who do engage in abuse are invariably unwilling and/or unable to accept that there is anything amiss in their actions and feelings. Therapy is a must. When you find a time to share your diagnosis and outlook with the girl you’re involved with, try to be emotionally prepared for a range of responses, including ending the relationship. Remember that everyone’s feelings are valid – including yours.

JN: You cannot hide anything in a relationship. It will come out. The sooner the better. You want her to accept (or reject) the real authentic you. That said, I wouldn’t lead with it. 

Along those lines, I am not even sure what being a sociopath means. Are we talking Patrick Bateman or you leave the toilet seat up?  

AC: I mean, if you don’t feel love for your girlfriend, you’ll probably end up hurting her when the going gets tough. So morally I think the answer’s pretty obvious: you should tell her. Practically though it could make sense to hold off. You don’t need to be punishing yourself for the rest of your life because you have a disorder you didn’t ask for. If you tell her now, you’ll scare her off. If this relationship actually turns serious, then I’d sit her down for a convo. And for what it’s worth, I agree with SP that it’s a good sign you’re even asking for help in the first place.

(21F) I still live with my parents and it’s driving me insane. When I go to work during the day, they go through all my stuff. Sometimes they borrow things (nothing important but still), and my mom even broke my stapler one time. They move things around so sometimes I can’t find stuff when I’m looking for it. Every time I ask them they deny it but I know it’s true. I’ve thought about putting a lock on my door, but I would have to put holes in the wall and my mom would kill me. It’s not that I’m hiding anything in there, but one time my mom did find my journal which felt like a total invasion of privacy. It makes me feel like I’m a criminal who can’t be trusted or something. Please help. Thank you. 

AC: That’s super weird and a total invasion of privacy. My best suggestion would be to move out, but if that’s not an option…get a safe? It won’t help with things like stealing your scissors, but at least then you can stash your journals in a place where no one can look at them. If your parents ask, just say you decided to keep your valuables in there in case there’s a break-in. 

JN:  You can live with your parents and save money. Or you can live on your own and be happy. 

TW: Super weird, indeed. It makes me wonder what the overall dynamic is with your parents. So far, it sounds pretty toxic, and I’m glad you realize that it’s messed up. I’m guessing that this is not the only boundary of yours that they disrespect; is that true? Either way, it might be worth seeing if you can go to therapy. A good therapist could help you unpack this situation as well as anything else about your family dynamic that you feel needs unpacking. If you don’t want to/can’t afford to do longer-term therapy, though, you could always try what’s called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy. It’s pretty much what it sounds like. The therapist will help you come up with specific solutions to this specific problem without the expectation of diving really deep into anything else. 

(48M) I have two sons I’ve been raising on my own since their mom passed away in a car accident seven years ago. Ashton (17) is transgender (female-to-male). While I was immediately 100% accepting when he came out to me four years ago, some family members have persisted in referring to him with his old name and female pronouns. 

AC: I would keep that negativity and fear away from Ashton. Tell your relatives that if they can’t accept him for who he is, they’re not invited over for family events. Tell Ashton you support him 100%. Being a trans teenager isn’t easy, and he needs a strong support network. 

TW: Agreed; when you’re hosting/planning, don’t invite them. For any family events that someone else is hosting, see if you can get them disinvited. I really couldn’t care less if that hurts their feelings. Their feelings don’t matter. Ashton’s do. If you can’t get them disinvited, go ahead and boycott if the bigoted family members are coming. And don’t put the burden on Ashton to say that he doesn’t want to go. You should tell him unprompted that your immediate family doesn’t have to go, because his safety and comfort is the most important thing to you. 

If he still wants to go because he wants to see other people in the family, fine, but it shouldn’t be an expectation. It’s not his responsibility to put up with transphobic nonsense. If and when he encounters it, it’s also not his responsibility to be polite in response. Do not, do not, do NOT equate the rudeness of “I don’t believe that your existence is valid so I’m gonna do stuff that I know makes you miserable” with the supposed rudeness of saying, “Hey, you suck for intentionally making me miserable, and it’s not acceptable.” 

Ashton may choose to patiently educate people, or he may choose to curse them out and storm off — and honestly, he’d be fully justified in doing the latter. And then you get to listen as the transphobic relatives whine to you, and you get to tell them off, too! Feel free to have fun brainstorming snarky things to say in response. (Or, y’know, polite and educational things. Whatever floats your boat.)

(19F) I have been vaping pretty much nonstop for the past two years and I really want to quit. So far I’ve gone five days without it. It’s hard because I’m surrounded by vaping all the time – literally all my friends do it, and so does my boyfriend – but I’ve been getting some chest pains and coughs recently and it freaked me out so I decided last week to quit for good. I have tried quitting once before, and I made it two months before I just kind of fell back into it with my friends. I’m really worried I’m going to fall back into that same pattern. I don’t own a vape anymore, but it’s just so easy to take a puff of someone else’s – and there is ALWAYS one around. It kind of feels impossible to quit for good. But if anyone has done it or has any tips, I’d love some advice. 

SP: A freedom to aspire to is freedom from dependency on the quick hits of dopamine afforded the brain by substances like nicotine, sugar, drugs and even compulsive behaviors. 

You have demonstrated to yourself via periods of quitting that you are able to stop consuming nicotine, and you acknowledge vaping’s health effects, but your brain has learned that it’s an easy source of dopamine. However, just as scratching can make you itchier, the pleasure you get from nicotine is short-lived and your body insists on more, more, more. Cutting out addictive substances and behaviors is incredibly difficult, but untold freedom awaits the quitter; the ubiquity of vapes (as cigarettes were once commonplace) sparks temptation, but I expect soon you’ll look at those who still inhale propylene glycol-suspended nicotine aerosol with more pity than envy. Managing dopamine levels is a lifelong balancing act, especially surrounding substances we must have a relationship with, like food. You’re setting yourself up for success by reflecting on and taking care of your health. Be gentle with yourself and try to focus on your well-being above all else.

AC: Congrats on five days vape-free! Quitting will be worth it. Vaping is such a new thing that not much research has been done on the long-term health effects, but I can’t imagine that the findings will be anything less than terrifying. Obviously having chest pains is a bad sign. I don’t mean to scare you, but I think it’s good that you’re taking this seriously while you’re still young. I would tell your friends and your boyfriend that you’re quitting so they stop offering you hits of theirs. And maybe do something else to keep your mouth busy – chew gum or drink soda or something. You’ve already proven to yourself that you can quit, as SP said, so now it’s just a question of whether you really want to. Forming good habits takes a lot of will power up front, but it gets easier every day. 

JN:  Vaping is gross and everyone looks ridiculous. We see you slowly pulling your pen up to your lips and then releasing a humongous plume of smoke into the air. Vaping is not cool. Did Don Draper vape in Mad Men? Smoking is actually cool. I get the appeal. The fact that it can kill you is enough of a deterrent but the aesthetics are there. It’s also communal. You can ask someone for a cigarette. Asking someone for a vape is like asking to borrow a cough drop.

That said, quitting anything is hard. The best advice I can give is one day at a time. If you try to “quit” forever, that sounds daunting. Just make it through today. 

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